Stoatorian Guard Private Maybe You Won't Die Alone

[Asta Dalgaard]

"No good?" Asta closed her notebook and tucked her pencil behind her ear. "I no understanding. What you mean, 'no good'? Anybeast can being like that to another beast if they wanting to. If both wanting to. You seem very good." She waved a paw to Morgan, gesturing to the whole of the jill.

"You are very pretty and strong. Good to talk to, and honest. Talking about Minister, you could being tell me he is bad and you are good, but you tell whole story, all sides. Showing that you are honest and see fully other beasts." The marten shrugged. "Sorry, I wish my Vulpinsulan better, could explain with better words."

---

Caden thought he had offended Daniil by the touch that had seemed so casual to him, especially after all they had been through together. He made to pull his paw away, but when the todd stopped him, he lost all concept of understanding what was happening in that moment.

"Daniil, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be too forward. I thought that--" What did he think? He was not entirely certain he knew. So few words had passed between them as to what they were to each other, and so much of their relationship had been dictated by violent circumstances and urgency and the necessity for physical contact within those scenarios. But there had been the kiss on the cheek, the nuzzling, the holding each other--moments stolen in the heat of moving from one thing to the next and the comedown from the heights of traumatic events. This voluntary touch here in the quiet and intimacy of the lounge seemed perhaps altogether more and very different to the inexperienced fox in a way that Caden, with his numerous and diverse experience in such realms, was unable to comprehend.

Slowly, gently, he reminded himself. "It's okay, Daniil," he said softly. "I know you're nervous. I am, too. I just show it in a different way; I hide it behind looking like I know what I'm supposed to say and do. You can talk to me. I certainly won't judge you."

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Morgan seemed to be getting frustrated as well, not with Asta, but with herself. "I don't... Look, I'm..." She gestured vaguely with her paw before venting, "I hear someone call me 'pretty' and it makes me feel like a liar, okay? Strong too. I ain't strong. I'm a coward. I always feel like I'm hiding, I just don't know from who or what for. I pretend to be strong, but it's all an act, and if anybeast gets too close I have to shove them away before it slips, before they see what they all eventually see: a screw-up. Someone not worth the time and effort. Someone who's broken, a burden, someone to just..." Her voice broke, tears starting to well up in her eyes as she choked out, "Someone to toss out, again."

~~~

Daniil seemed to be on the verge of either hyperventilating or spontaneously combusting. Amazingly, though, Caden's gentle words seemed to be bringing him down from both. He actually managed to get a full breath in at one point, and his heart rate might even have lowered to the point of not being an imminent threat to his cardiovascular health. "I- I- Caden, I don't know what I'm doing," he admitted. "All of this, I've... I never - I've never even..." he blushed before he looked away, his words a mere mumble. "I've never - not on the lips, never kissed... Never even held paws with someone like..." The blush was reaching the tips of his ears now. "I know you were married, you had him, you've... you know what you're doing, and I..." His tongue seemed to be swelling up in his mouth, mangling his words.

 

[Asta Dalgaard]

Asta unfolded her legs and scooted forward on the bench towards Morgan until she was close enough to the ferret to reach out and put a paw on her shoulder. "I no seeing a screw-up. I seeing a friend who needing a hug. Can I?"

---

"Oh, Daniil. Do you think I care about all that?" Caden set his wine down. He turned the paw beneath Daniil's so that he could intertwine his fingers with the todd's. Shifting to face Daniil, the jack gave a small squeeze of his paw. "There, see? Now you've held somebeast's paw. Breathe into that a bit, just in and out a few times with me."

As he did to calm himself when panic set in, Caden took a deep inhale, followed by a slow exhale. He watched the todd as he repeated the process several times before he spoke again. "I very much like holding your paw, Daniil, if you must know. We can just keep it at that for now if anything else seems like too much. I'm in no hurry, truly. If it helps to hear, I'd never been in a romantic relationship before Einar. I had other, uh, experiences with beasts before that, but I had no idea whatsoever what I was doing when it came to romance. So you're in good company."

 

[Morgan Liu]

Morgan turned her gaze to Asta, probably trying to glare at the offer, but the eye contact made through the haze of tears was enough to break her will. She turned and leaned into the embrace, breaking down sobbing. "What's wrong with me?" she choked out. "Why am I like this? Everything feels fake. I only feel real when I'm on the ground, getting my face kicked in."

~~~

Daniil's blush subsided as Caden's breathing exercises succeeded in calming him. The fox's ears twitched, slightly embarrassed as Caden obliquely alluded to his own history, but at least not pulling away. "I..." Why did he feel so juvenile? He wished that Mileya had stayed a little longer on her last visit; while she'd prodded him about his most recent endeavors, he'd kept tight-lipped about Caden, not wanting to deal with her overbearing but well-intentioned advice and assistance while confined to a hospital bed. Now he figured he could have used her assistance. "I like this, Caden." He oh-so-slightly squeezed Caden's pawfingers between his own. "I like us. I don't know what to do about it." It was a painful admission to make. "Can beasts like us work? I know your family and mine had their troubles in our mothers' generation. There's plenty who would tell you that Ryalors are trouble, that we never make our partners anything but miserable. I..." He blushed as he looked down. "I don't want to feel like I'm taking Einar away from you. I never want you to feel like I'm robbing you of that love you have for him. If being with me would make you unhappy, then... then I don't want that."

 

[Asta Dalgaard]

Asta wrapped her arms around Morgan and held her. She wished her father was there to help. Asta recalled many long conversations with him about Caden, who had expressed similar sentiments as Morgan the first several years he had come to be in their family. At times things had been very difficult as he struggled with acclimating to a peaceful life. She closed her eyes and tried to remember Einar's wisdom about beasts who had been through the type of difficult early years Morgan had survived.

"Nothing wrong with you. Maybe...maybe feeling fake because when you being young, you only knew fighting and life being hard." The language barrier made it feel as though she was explaining herself through sludge. She gave up and spoke in Varangian.

"Caden told me some of your past, and it sounds like you went through hell and back as a young beast. You had to put on a strong face even though you were scared when you were younger, because showing weakness meant you would be taken advantage of. Fighting, struggling, surviving, that was everything you knew. Beasts who should have been caring for you hurt you and abandoned you. Those feelings don't just go away when you get somewhere safe. I saw the same things with Caden when he came to be with my father. It took him years to feel like he could finally relax fully with us, and even then, he says it's like all that is still there, he's just built himself up around it so he has more to himself than just the anger and fear to fall back on. You're not broken, Morgan, and there's nothing wrong with you. You've just been through a lot and have been hurt by life and by others."
Her paw ran gently up and down Morgan's back. "Sorry, hard to explaining in Vulpinsulan."

---

For a few moments there, Caden had forgotten. Well, perhaps not fully forgotten, but in the efforts of calming Daniil and the prospect of more closeness, the past and the complications had slipped away from the forefront of Caden's mind. At mention of their mothers, the marten suppressed a flinch as doubt at his course of action slipped back in. He could at least focus well enough on the latter portion of Daniil's statement while he decided what to do about the former.

"It's very kind of you to think of my feelings for him," he said. "I will always love him, of course. He'll always be with me in some way. But that doesn't mean I can't..." 'Gates, he felt himself choking up unexpectedly. The feelings were surfacing rapidly, not entirely unbidden, but he would have preferred to exhibit more control over himself instead of suddenly finding himself crying at the prospect of admitting to Daniil how he felt. Using his free paw to wipe at his eyes before the tears could begin to roll down his cheeks, he managed to press on. "That doesn't mean I can't love you, too, Daniil. I know Ryalors are trouble, but so am I. Everyone remembers my mother as this grand hero of the Imperium, but she was half-mad from what I recall. And my father? Someone seems to have re-written the history on him, because from what I remember he was one among several who had plans to make a bid for the throne, which is what got him killed."

He ran his paw through his headfur, trying to calm himself. "What I'm trying to say, Daniil, is that our past and families don't have to define us or who we can be to each other. I honestly have been drawn to you since the first day we met at the Ministry. I like us, too. We can do whatever we want to about it, and we can decide together what that looks like."