Rainblade-Ryalors Private Zann's Alley/Backyard The Scales of Justice

[Talinn Ryalor]

“Yes.” Talinn managed, face twisting into a pained look as he forced the simple word and then the ones following them out, as if he were chewing glass. “Yes, he knew. So did I. So did Aunt Dusk. So did Alexei. No one else. Not your other siblings, not any of Alwyn's siblings. Only the four of us...three now. We had beasts who knew when I had them investigate in the aftermath of your mother's death, but, they were all sworn to a strict vow of silence and have been dead for many years now. We had our reasons, if you wish to hear them. I think, for the full picture, you should, but, that is up to you."

That last part was the hardest for him, leaving his son a genuine choice. Daniil could leave, right now, hating all of them forever, and he could do nothing about it-not if he wished to change, not in the way Tanya, the Kitsune, Daniil, or his whole family needed him to.

@Daniil Ryalor

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil closed his eyes, tears pressing out between them. So, the beasts who has raised him knew; the kit who he'd helped to protect, his beloved younger cousin who had sparred with him as a teen until he'd swiftly surpassed his skill to match, had also known. Talinn said there were no others, but could he trust that anymore? Caden, the beast he loved most, had lied to him over and over again, and his uncle admitted to lying to him as well. His aunt had once been remarked of as 'the queen of lies', and similar appellations applied to his uncle. Could he trust what they said? Could he trust what anyone had to say? The whole world felt unstable under his feet.

"I... I think I want to hear them," he stated, unable to voice his newfound distrust in anything that anyone had to say on the topic. He'd been lied to so much, it was easier to just assume that there was some degree of lie in whatever anyone said to him now.

 

[Talinn Ryalor]

“Okay.” Talinn replied, taking a deep breath and giving him a slight, pained smile. “You are braver than me, you know, Daniil. You have always told the truth. I…” He shook his head. “...for Aunt Dusk and I, for so long, truth was a danger. It could have gotten us killed. It could still get us killed. But for you...forgive me if I…struggle a bit...” He seemed flustered, probably for the first time since Daniil had ever seen him. “...with words. It is…”

He let that trail off as he composed himself a little. “I know you have...little reason to trust me...but...I am going to tell you the truth...and...you can evaluate me on that...or whether it lines up...I…” He seemed to have trouble composing himself “you...deserve the agency to decide when...where...and what to think about, and believe. This is...just my perspective.”

He was quiet for a long while, and then began to speak, slowly, falteringly.

“When your mother was killed, I was at first...enraged...she...she was the closest in age to me, my own blood, with your aunt Tanya gone, the only family I had next to Alexei...but...he was from a different generation. I loved her....I...did some things I was not proud of to seek vengeance. Some things I am still paying for…” his thoughts drifted to Marianna, Falun, and the third mystery kit who he had not yet met. “...and will be paying for. I...lived for revenge.”


He paused, taking another deep breath, paws shaking as he remembered the darkest time in his life.

“I had sent agents to find out who the kit was who had killed your mother. I was so full of hatred that I even considered...when I found out…in addition to Anithias, I would break the tool that used as well...” he could not look at Daniil, and turned his eyes towards the fireplace. “...but...your Aunt Dusk, she...came into my life...steadied me...and, for the first time...in a long time…saw...something beyond what the Imperium then was. What my life was. I had lived so much of it in hatred, seeking retribution against those who had wronged me, wronged our family. It was then I...stayed my paw.”

He was very quiet for some time.

“I was then tired. Tired of our family’s blood being spilled in the cycle of revenge that this place can breed. Blood, revenge, more blood. So, I left with your Aunt, your grandfather Alexei, and your siblings in toe, so that no more Ryalor blood was spilled.”

He took another breath.

“It...took me some time to get used to things, a life without that...and...when Alwyn was born...and you were growing up, I watched you and your siblings. You were so good-hearted, Daniil. You did everything to protect us. But...I saw…” His paws trembled again. “...I saw your siblings come to term with your mother’s death, but you...I...I also saw in you, the same darkness that had infected me. The hatred for the beast that had killed your mother, the desire for revenge. And I…”

He choked up a little as he turned back to face him.

“...I didn’t...you were...what remained of her...and your own person. I loved you, your Aunt Dusk loved you, Alwyn loved you, Alexei loved you. ‘Gates, Daniil, we still love you. And so much of our blood had been spilled seeking revenge. The thought of you...someone so precious to us...going on some quest...to maybe die killing a beast who was just a kit...manipulated after the death of his own mother for a deranged mad todd’s dream…a todd who we had already dealt with.”

He shook his head.

“I knew...as you were then...and...as I think you know...you would have done it. I could not have stopped you, if you had known. Even had I stationed guards at your door, demanded every ship leaving Westisle be searched...you can be very determined Daniil, more than you give yourself credit for. I...am not a doctor in how to fix such things, I could recognize the sickness within you because I suffered from it for many years myself. But...I did not know how to cure you.”

He looked down at the bed.

“...We all agreed. Agreed that we did not want to risk losing you. Not after...not after your mother. As far as we thought, revenge had already been taken...in some ways, more than taken.”

He became very quiet again.

“So, yes, we lied to you, in order to do what we thought would protect you. I will own up to that. Alwyn will. Alexei...were he around...likely would have. Your Aunt Dusk...she…” He glanced to the side. “...she is still working through some other things, but...I think...eventually...she will.”

He looked over at the fireplace for quite a long time, then looked back at Daniil.

“I have been chasing revenge and preventing it from happening to me for almost my entire life, Daniil, and look at me. Look at me! Estranged from my kits. Barely together with your Aunt Dusk. Crippled. And I still have debts to pay because of what I did in pursuit of that revenge, until the end of my life. I did not want-do not want-you to end up like me. You deserve better than that. Alwyn, his siblings, your siblings too.”

He put one paw to his face, and closed his eyes for a moment.

“But...in doing all of that, we robbed you, Daniil. We robbed you from the truth. We robbed you from your agency. Not only for years, but for decades. You would be right to hate me. To hate us for being selfish and not letting you decide what you wanted do to with the truth. I cannot make that better...only tell you now, what you want to know, and submit to your judgment. That was...the jist of it...but...you may have more questions. About Caden...or...about a lot of things. If you are still up to it...we can talk more. Or not.”

@Daniil Ryalor

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil listened quietly to his uncle's explanation, the words slowly sinking in. As painful as it was to admit, be could see sense in their reasoning. Had he known Caden's name, especially in his adolescence, when his raging hormones had made all of his emotions that much harder to control, he might very well have done something rash like his family had feared. In his adulthood it seemed likely that he would have taken this advice a little better, but... Would I have carried through on my revenge when I met Caden for the first time, had I known? Would I have forgiven him? Could I ever have loved him, knowing what he did? Can I love and forgive him now?

The entire situation was so complicated, and while his uncle's explanation muted the pain from his family's deception, it did nothing to touch the gaping wound in his heart that had been inflicted by Caden's betrayal of his trust. He couldn't even bear to consider the question of what he would do next, whether he wanted revenge or reconciliation. A part of him mulled over whether it would be worth speaking to his Aunt Dusk about it these feelings; the sudden and intense animosity between Talinn and his wife for the past decade had been the source of much discussion within House Ryalor, and the rumor of reapproachment between the pair suggested that, regardless of whatever had caused the split between them, forgiveness might be in the offering. Of course, that was only if the supposition that it was Dusk who had been betrayed in the relationship was true, and not the other way around.

Daniil hesitated before deciding to broach the subject. "I'm still deciding what I want to do about Caden, but, well..." He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry as he tried to figure out how to address the issue. "Uncle," he asked quietly, "I don't know what happened between you and Aunt Dusk, but, well, I know it must have been bad. I remember how you two used to look at each other, and now, well..." He gave a small, awkward shrug. "I'm just... I guess, how does someone get over a betrayal like that? How... How could I ever forgive him for what he's done? How did you and Aunt Dusk forgive each other for... Well, whatever it was that happened?"

 

[Talinn Ryalor]

Oh Kitsune…

Talinn took in the three questions, but each of them was so complicated, he could spend days, even weeks going into the details about them, but, Daniil was looking for an answer now. Yet, the truth was, there was no easy answer. There was no easy fix. There was nothing that could fix his relationship with Caden quickly. He looked into Daniil’s pained eyes, and there was such an instinct to protectively tell him sweet lies, but...that had not worked before, and that would not work now. So, then, again as Tanya often demanded of him, the truth. But, maybe he could couch it a little gently, at least.

“You’re asking the big questions now, Daniil.” He sighed, then gave his son a reassuring smile. “Good for you, truly. I did not ask them until I was much older than you are now. You are...smarter than me...naturally...in these matters. To even ask those questions took me...surprisingly long. But the answers to those are...complex. It is something we will have to talk about many times, but...I will give you what I can now.”

He collected his thoughts for a moment, then spoke, voice a bit bitter as he reflected on his own experiences.

“Recovering from such a betrayal is...it’s...a process.” He was quiet for a bit more. “...and one that is long, painful, and...the path it...can feel shaky...it can feel like sometimes you are going backwards every time you take a step forward. For you, because of who you are, it will be even more agonizing, because you are so empathetic, so kind. Your family will be here for you, but...while we can perhaps ease the symptoms, we cannot treat the pain itself, only you can. That’s the hard truth. And that’s...just for you, not for Caden, for you.”

He looked at his son.

“First...before you even think about reconciling with him...and that is if you want to...you must recover yourself. You have suffered terrible wounds, just as you have on the battlefield. And these ones...it’s not so simple as keeping the wound clean and waiting. It is more like...what I had to do...still have to do...after my injury on Urk...you have to...work at it actively. You cannot be passive and expect it to be okay. And, in the beginning, each step will hurt. It will be agonizing. But...slowly, you will regain your strength, and each step will be easier.”

He gave him a nod.

“The first step...it is to simply name what happened. Acknowledge it. And then…” He sighed. “And...this is hard for us...in particular...because of our culture...you have to allow yourself to feel it all. Feel the confusion. Feel the betrayal. Feel the rage. Feel the hurt. That will...go on for a while...but...it is the only way. You cannot simply shunt it to the side, you cannot ignore it, you cannot bury it deep down. That will eat at you until you are like…” He almost said himself, in many ways, regarding many of his hurts, but he did not want to make it about him. “...a husk. You must confront all of these feelings.”

He took a deep beath, and remained quiet for a bit, to allow Daniil to really think about those words, then he continued softly.

“Then...or at the same time...’Gates...I’m still figuring it out myself...you have to...learn to...be nicer to yourself. It is...very easy to blame yourself… ‘How did I miss the signs? Am I a fool?’...but...Daniil, to have these relationships...or...any true relationship, friendship or otherwise...you have to trust. And...that’s not a flaw of yours. I wish...I wish sometimes I could be more like you. More able to form these connections. And this will...be the hard part for you to accept...the betrayal was not your fault. You were simply acting as any good beast was. That is something...before anything more...you will have to learn to accept. And..it...will be surprisingly hard...and...I cannot tell you how long it will take...and any beast telling you that it should be easy for you to get over...they do not know what it looks like.”

He paused, not wanting to overwhelm Daniil, and let him sit with those thoughts a moment.

“Think on that for a while...and then I can continue answering the rest of the first question…if you are not too tired.” He gave his son a pained smile. “I told you it would be...complicated.”

@Daniil Ryalor

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil listened for a long time, his face impassive as he considered the advice. It hurt to know that there wouldn't be any quick and easy way past this. A part of him wanted to forgive Caden, to move past this whole thing, to say it didn't matter... But then he'd remembered that look on Caden's face when Daniil had been begging, pleading with him, and he knew that was impossible. If they got past this at all, it was going to be slow and painful.

Daniil took a deep breath before he nodded. "Is that how you and Aunt Dusk got past it, when she..." He swallowed before he ventured, "when she cheated on you?" There had been a lot of rumors around Summerdock about the split between the Duke and the Duchess, and the speculation given the most credence, and the one which the family had tacitly agreed was most likely, was that Dusk had been unfaithful. It wasn't as if she lacked a reputation for that sort of thing, after all; while it wasn't spoken of much, it was an open secret that the family's matriarch had secured her wealth and power largely by seduction, and it was fair to assume that those tendencies hadn't ended with her marriage (though it may have effectively ended her marriage in this case).

 

[Talinn Ryalor]

Talinn’s normally stoic face blanched at Daniil’s question and the storm of emotions that it brought. He wanted to be totally honest with him, but there were certain things that he dare not speak of openly, more dangerous for them then even the cover-up they had done about Armina. Certain things had to be left in the shadows until their family’s position was so unassailable in the Imperium that even if it got out, most beasts would not care because the world that they had created would not be worth destroying over the darker details of how it was made. But, he had to respond to that, as honestly as he could to defend both Dusk’s honor, which did exist despite what many thought, and to be honest to Daniil.

“Your Aunt has never cheated on me*, our dispute was over about how to best secure the future of our family. We...had very different opinions on how to do so, and I did not seek her input as much as I should have. But, we have been working through that, and she has certainly gotten her word in now…” His face almost flinched at the “deal” Dusk had orchestrated in Amarone, where this time he was the one without any agency in the matter. “...that will be made clear to you, and the rest of the family one day**. But despite what beasts may say, your Aunt is a beast of honor. She raised not only her own kits, but you three, and fought off many threats that I did not even perceive, and still does.”

His face returned to a grim smile, but then he more directly answered Daniil’s question.

“But back to the main point...yes, Daniil. Both of us have had to...fully feel and accept our emotions...and...that has not been easy. Never of us were ever taught how to do so by our parents, and my father and hers especially were..." He shook his head, dismissing that point and continuing, "... Especially when we share them together. And it will continue to take a long time in order to properly reach the...balance that will fully restore things. We have been married decades, after all. But, maybe you can learn from us about how to go about things faster. You’re already better than either of us combined with these matters.”

*Though she has put her paw a mere millimeter from that particular stove.

**On his deathbed, most likely.

@Daniil Ryalor

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil furrowed his brow as he listened to his uncle's explanation. The notion of a disagreement over the family's future being enough to drive a decade-long wedge between the couple didn't quite ring true, or at least felt disproportionate to Daniil's sensibilities. He wondered if it might have something to do with Great-Uncle Alexei's death; it had been right around the same time, and the rumor had been that it was Talinn who slew him, either to secure his authority over House Ryalor or to put down a rebellion in the making. Of course, none of this was really Daniil's business, and the pair deserved their privacy. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what was going unsaid in all this. Hopefully nothing as big as what Caden was hiding.

He swallowed before admitting, "I don't feel it sometimes. Well, a lot of the time," he admitted. He twisted his paw nervously on Requiem's scabbard before admitting, "I know that Alwyn thinks I'm a coward. Caden too. I... I get in these situations and freeze, panic. There were so many times I failed to protect the family, yours and mine both, because of it. Not to mention how I let my friends down, falsely accused one of them, messed up Alwyn's mission for Aunt Dusk... I just feel like I fail at everything. It's hard for me to believe that, even without all of this-" he waved a paw expressively to indicate the messy drama, "-with Caden, there's anything in me worth loving."

 

[Talinn Ryalor]

Talinn remained quiet for a while, before he spoke, his voice low, his expression looking a bit dark, like someone going into the room of their own skeletons that they had not visited for a long time.

“You want to know what a beast who fails at everything truly looks like Daniil?” He gave him a pained smile. “That beast is one who stops counting. Stops remembering faces. The people they wronged, the people they broke. They let them just fade into the darkness and tell themselves that such is strength and that caring is weakness, that their guilt was a chain. They keep on doing damage to those around them because taking account for their failures was some kind of softness, and that not doing so was the opposite.” He pursed his lips. “That beast was me, Daniil, for a long time.”


He let that comment sit in the air for a while, then looked at his son more steadily, then reached over and put a paw on his shoulder.

“That is what a beast who has truly given up, who has truly failed look like. Not a beast who freezes, not someone who panics, not listing every person who he has let down. You’re still counting. Every single beast, every single mistake. That is not somebeast who is a failure, Daniil-that is someone who tries with all their heart not to be.”

He sighed softly.


“As for not feeling you are worthy of being loved...when I was at my darkest...when I stopped even pretending to be a decent fox...when I was not capable of love, or being loved...I was hollow. And you, Daniil, are not like that. You’re still here. You’re still feeling. Still bleeding inside-and that means there is something in you worth loving.” His face took on a pained expression. “A beast who truly is not worth loving does not ask that question-he simply stops believing the question matters.”

And how deeply I knew that, back in the days after Vaelora’s death.

He was quiet again, before he looked Daniil in the eyes.

“I love you-whatever that is worth, from me-and I have not made a habit of saying that lightly. So hear me when I tell you that you are worth it-and not because I am your adopted father and it’s expected of me. It’s because I have seen so many beasts with nothing inside of them, and you are not one of them.””

He reached up a paw and touched the right side of his son’s face comfortingly.

“I don’t know Caden, but I do know Alwyn. Has Alwyn told you that-those words, to your face? Or is that what you have decided that he thinks. My son is a lot of things-he can be hard, and he has had to be for his position, and he has standards he does not bend because when he bends them too much he fears things will fall apart. And he is not necessarily wrong for feeling that way, given his life…”

That you contributed to as his father.

“...but I have never heard him say you were a coward, Daniil. And until I do-until you do-you should not make the worst case about yourself using words he has not said, okay?”


@Daniil Ryalor

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil frowned, trying to stretch his memory back to that messy day when he and Caden had accidentally walked into a Vulpinist bar. Admittedly his memory of the day was a little bit hazy; between the trauma of the fighting, injuries, and fire, not to mention coming out to Alwyn and Aunt Dusk, and piling on top the fresh trauma of Caden's revelation and their apparent breakup, Daniil's memory was now thoroughly futzed. Still, the emotional impression was what lingered with him as he tried again. "Let me rephrase, Uncle. There was an... incident," he put it delicately, "where Alwyn wanted me to do something I considered dishonorable in order to advance his mission. I refused. He told me that my qualms were... Well, to be honest, I don't remember his exact words," the fox admitted, eyes downcast. "How I understood the sentiment was that I needed to learn how to do the hard things, and that I wouldn't be a good warrior until I did. Then, at the Opera House, I panicked and disobeyed orders so I could look for Caden. In doing so, I put you, Aunt Dusk, Alwyn, and even Caden's daughter in more danger than if I'd just followed orders." He lowered his gaze, his tail curling between his legs in shame. "To be honest, I haven't been feeling worthy of my mother's blade. I never have, but recently, I especially feel like I've let her down."