Rainblade-Ryalors Private Barracks/Imperial Condos Completed The Dreams We Live For

[Caden S. Freemont]

The nightmares had come back. They started in the hospital, fueled by pain and fever and infection and strange, drug-induced sleep. For what seemed an interminable amount of time, Caden had existed in a hellish reality of fire and violence where he was trying to get to Asta, Daniil, and Einar, but he could not move. They died in front of him, just out of paw's reach, over and over again, either crushed or burned or run through by some faceless fox. He would wake, screaming and trying to throw himself from his hospital bed and attack a non-existent threat, such to the point that the nurses were forced to keep him tied down until his fever broke and his delirious ravings quieted. Even then, when he had passed through the worst of infection and was told he would most likely live, albeit with permanent, life-altering scarring and months of agonizing recovery in front of him, each time he tried to settle into sleep, his dreams would turn to some violent and terrifying part of his past and he would wake in a cold sweat.

During his waking hours, he tried to distract himself with conversation with the nurses or Daniil and Asta when they visited. Several Guardsbeasts stopped in to visit on occasion, and he did his game best to put on an affect of brave stoicism and steadfast calm, as it seemed many beasts were shaken by the attack.

Once released from the hospital to return home, Caden found that sleep was easier, though came in fits and spurts, such was the difficulty in finding a position he could comfortably rest in. It was good, however, to be sharing a bed with Daniil again, and he took great comfort in the closeness of his partner, the todd seeming to ward off the worst of the nightmares. Still, though, some mornings he found himself waking with a start from some unsettling image or imagined circumstance. Late one such morning he reached out in search of Daniil to find the fox's side of the bed empty. In a half-asleep panic, Caden jumped up before his body recalled that such movements were currently not advised.

"Owww," he groaned, falling hard to the bedroom floor with a loud thump. He lay there on his front, breathing and staring into the darkness under his dresser as he dragged himself into full, agonized wakefulness.

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

From the hallway there were the sounds of pawsteps, and then Daniil's worried exclamation of "Caden!" The fox hurried to his lover's side and knelt, carefully trying to lift him without touching the burns and scars that were causing such pain. "I'm so sorry, I was cleaning the chamberpot," he apologized. "I didn't want to wake you. What happened? Another nightmare?"

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

"S'okay," Caden mumbled, doing his best to help Daniil get him to his footpaws. "Something like that. Ow." He wavered as he stood, then lowered himself to sit on the bed.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." The jack managed a pained smile and gave Daniil's arm a weak squeeze. He was far past the point of embarrassment when it came to bodily assistance from the todd, but he was concerned that his needs were putting too much pressure on his lover's already frayed nerves. Caden could see the weight of things on Daniil, how hard he took everything that had happened.

"Here, um, can you help me out of my gown and into some trousers? Then maybe I can at least get to the lounge today and we can do the dressing change in there. Would be nice to get out of this room a bit." As Daniil helped him undress and pull on a pair of pants, Caden breathed through the pain of movement.

He leaned heavily on the fox as they exited the bedroom. "So how's your morning been so far, aside from the riveting task of cleaning a chamberpot?" Caden chuckled lightly, trying to let the laugh cut through his exhaustion.

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil kept his focus solidly on his partner as he helped with the act of dressing him. Seeing Caden in such a bad state was nearly physically painful for Daniil; Caden had been his rock through the tumult of his return to Bully Harbor, and now their roles were reversed. He'd also had to learn how to clean and dress burns, a task he'd never picked up during his years of military service; there were always doctors and medics nearby better suited than him to such tasks, so he'd lapsed in his knowledge of emergency medicine.

As they made a slow, ungainly three-legged beast walk down the hall, Daniil grimaced at the question. "Well, not so bad," he allowed. "Could be worse; I could be at the barracks, cleaning latrines. After the Opera House, I almost thought that Alwyn would assign me that duty. I've never seen him so upset before." There was a note of regret, not at having abandoned his post to search for Caden, but for having let down his family so drastically. He glanced to Caden, giving him a small smile. "It would still have been worth it, to see you safe," he commented.

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

At the mention of Alwyn, Caden's ears flattened slightly. He tried to bring his expression back to neutral for Daniil's benefit. Caden had not found the energy to talk to Daniil about his actions at the Opera House, such as they were. Had Daniil been a member of his mercenary outfit, the jack would have not hesitated to fire him on the spot for dereliction of duty and disobeying orders. The todd was not cut out for the life he had decided to take on, and no amount of soft suggestions on Caden's part over the months seem to have budged him from a path that would clearly only lead to pain and heartbreak. It nearly had already. Asta was lucky to be alive. 'Gates, Daniil was lucky to be alive. It had taken quite a bit of willpower for Caden to keep calm when Asta and Alwyn had told him of Daniil's actions. The jack still did not know how to broach that particular detail of the events.

"I'm lucky to have somebeast who cares for me so deeply." Caden chose his words carefully. With Daniil's help, he sat on the couch in the lounge and leaned heavily into the arm of the seat, letting out a long breath. His gaze fell on the pieces of the irreparably broken lute beside the piano. Tears sprang unbidden to his eyes as emotions that had been suppressed by his need to keep steady for the beasts around him for the past two weeks made themselves known in sudden and clamoring fashion, all piling forward to spill out at the sight of his daughter's broken lute and all the crushed instrument represented. He reached for Daniil with his good arm, grabbing the todd and pulling him in close as he shook with heavy sobs.

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil winced as Caden started to cry. The guilt of his actions at the Opera House still haunted him, keeping him awake late at night. He could feel Caden's anger and disappointment in him for abandoning Asta, even if Daniil had honestly thought she'd be safe in hiding. Daniil hated himself for that moment of poor judgment as well. He carefully sat himself beside Caden, clutching his paw and trying not to let his own tears come to the surface. "Talk to me, Cade," he pleaded, blinking to clear them away. "Please. I know I failed you, I just... I can't go on with you hating me in silence."

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

Caden dropped his head against Daniil's shoulder, unable to speak for several long moments as he tried to regain control of himself with shuddering breaths through his sobs. He could only shake his head at first in response to the fox. Finally words came through, haltingly at first.

"Don't hate...don't hate you, Daniil. I--" He stopped, wincing as pain lanced through his back. "I..want...want to talk, it's just..." Caden lifted a paw to wipe at his nose so he didn't drip on Daniil's shirt. "'Gates, why would you think...I hated you?"

Some part of him wanted to reach into the todd's past and find the beasts who had caused him such pain and fear, then that part collided with the part that knew very well he had been one of the beasts to bring about a great deal of Daniil's suffering, and Caden felt himself in a familiar spiral in which he began to shut down to avoid the worst of his guilt and shame. His crying subsided, though he kept his head on Daniil's shoulder, eyes closed. He sniffled.

"I don't hate you, love," the jack said softly, his voice hoarse. "I'm sad and scared and angry, but I don't hate you. I just don't know...I don't know what to say about it all, honestly. I know you feel like you failed, but there's more to it than that. I don't even know where to start."

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil felt his own tears begin to flow freely as Caden's dried. The sobs began to wrack his frame, his back and shoulders heaving as he let out the guilt and self-loathing that had plagued him since that night. "I wasn't there," he choked out. "I wasn't where you needed me to be. I wanted to save you, save Asta... I couldn't protect you. Couldn't protect either of you, or anyone. Couldn't save my family. I failed." He reached to his side, then mewed like a kit in distress as he found his mother's sword missing, still hanging on the frame of their bed. Instead he turned and buried his face in Caden's shoulder, crying in earnest, letting the tears stain the bandages on Caden's chest.

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

Caden found himself hesitating to wrap a paw around his partner. There were several brief, noticeable moments in which he sat with Daniil pressed against him, his paws lifted away from the todd, his brow furrowed in something bordering on exasperation as his patience--thin from pain and trying to manage his own difficult emotions during his recovery--frayed to tatters. Finally he laid an arm about the todd and held him, but anger rose as he thought of the injustice of comforting the fox who ought to be comforting him rather than breaking down and blubbering like a green recruit.

"So you failed, aye? That's what we're going with, I suppose." He couldn't keep the sharpness of irritation from his voice. He knew he should wait, not try to have this conversation now while he was wracked with pain and exhaustion, but his temper was beginning to drive him, all other reserves of energy expended. "What would you have done, anyway? Gotten blown up and burnt to a crisp alongside me? Gates, Daniil, at what point do you look at all your past failures, add them up, and realize that maybe, just maybe, you've chosen a life for yourself that you're not cut out for?"

He clenched his jaw, realizing he was going too far, but unable to stop himself as thoughts that had been building for weeks even before the incident spilled over, laden with frustration and anger that rose from the depths of his fear at what could have happened to Daniil and Asta. "You disobeyed a direct order, left the protection of the Guard squadron along with Asta, stuck her under a table in the middle of a melee while the building was burning down, then scurried around looking for me without any backup whatsoever. The Fates were kind to all of us that we made it out alive, but Daniil, crying about being a failure isn't going to change the fact that you could have gotten either yourself or my daughter--or both of you--killed by completely losing your head and seeming to forget every bit of training you've ever had. I want to know what you're going to fucking do about it, not just hear you cry about what you did wrong."

The burns on his back stung and ached, his muscles trembling to keep him upright and supporting Daniil against his shoulder. A growl of pain escaped him, rumbling up from his chest. "Sorry, I can't--" He pushed the todd away from him, just enough so Caden could keep himself sitting up straight. "Hurts my back too much."

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

The shock and pain in Daniil's eyes at Caden's harsh rebuke was enough that when Caden pushed him away, the fox nearly fell into the other arm of the couch. As soon as the shock wore off, he started to cry again in earnest. "I'm sorry," he sobbed, repeating the apology again and again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right, I'm not good enough. I nearly got her killed. I failed you both. I..." He daubed at his eyes with his paw pads, trying to stem the tears. "I'm going to resign. Turn in my badge, go back to Westisle. I don't know what I can do for the family, but I can't keep you safe, I can't protect Asta, I can't even protect myself. I don't deserve to wear the uniform, and I never deserved my mother's blade. I dishonored it the moment I drew it."

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

"So you just give up, tuck your tail between your legs, and run away?" Caden let out a hiss of exasperation, throwing up his free paw that wasn't currently bracing him against the couch. "You're not a kit, Daniil. I'm not trying to tell you off or punish you. You have agency here, whether you see it or not."

He ran a paw down his face. "You wanted me to talk to you, so I'm talking to you. But is this going to go anywhere other than you apologizing and then beating yourself up? Because that's not the conversation I want to have. I'm too bloody tired to navigate that right now. There needs to be some space for me and my thoughts, too, and right now it feels like this is all about you and your guilt. Again, as usual. No change ever comes of it, and I can't keep giving you endless reassurance. I'm exhausted and in more physical pain than I've ever been in my life, Daniil."

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil winced, and his lips started to form the words 'I'm sorry', but he stopped himself in time. "I don't know what you want me to say," he admitted hoarsely, his voice still raw from crying. "I'm useless. I failed as a bodyguard, I failed as a guard, I'm not even a good Ryalor. If it weren't for my mother, I'd never have been part of the family, and they certainly wouldn't have kept me if not to honor her memory. I can't even properly be here for you now when you need me. I just... I don't know what to do with myself that won't make things worse."

He looked down at his paws before mumbling, "I just want to know what you want from me. Whatever it is, I'll do it... And if you want me to go away, I'll do that too. I'll understand."

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

Caden shifted slightly in an attempt to stop the pain from shooting up his back and through his shoulder, swearing under his breath. "I don't want you to go away, Daniil. I want you here with me, with us. You're not useless." He wished he could make his tone softer, but all that came out was agitation. It did not help that Daniil kept mentioning Vaelora. Caden pressed on, digging his claws into his thigh to give himself another sensation to focus on other than his back.

"But here I am again, reassuring you. Gates. Just--can you just stop thinking about yourself and your own guilt so much for one minute? Would you do that for me? Now, reverse our roles. Put yourself in my boots. What would you want if you were me?"

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil took a deep breath, trying to suppress the endless loop of guilt and self-recrimination long enough to consider it. "I'd want me to be there for... me." He struggled a bit with disentangling the hypothetical pronouns from the definite. He looked to Caden, tears in his eyes. "I'd want to know that I could still trust me."

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

"Okay," Caden breathed. He could feel a part of himself soften slightly at even the small effort from his partner. "That's a start. And how would you want to see that I could be trusted, were our roles reversed here? What would you want me to do or say, or how might you want me to change?"

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil furrowed his brow, his eyes shifting as he thought hard. The tears crept back into the corners of his eyes as he admitted, "I don't know. I can't trust me not to fail again, to get the ones I love killed; I can't imagine how you could ever trust me."

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

Were Caden of fit body, he likely would have stood up and stormed from the room, and perhaps the house entirely, to go fume elsewhere. In his current situation, however, he was forced to stay and endure his boiling frustration with his lover. The words that sprang forth from his impatience were ones he had been thinking for some time now, but he had never had the courage to utter them.

"Have you ever thought about why you have this fear of failure to protect your loved ones? Why do you feel like you always need to be the one responsible for keeping everybeast you love alive, even when you're clearly pushing yourself into a role that you aren't fit for?" He furrowed his brow. "It's like if my Mum had been Minister of Misanthropy and I tried to be a spy because that would honor her legacy or something. Could you imagine me attempting to live a life of lies and subterfuge? I might be able to vaguely muddle my way through, but you know how bad of a liar I am. I'd just make myself miserable living for the values of another beast and routinely make mistakes that a beast more suited to the role wouldn't even think to make."

The jack opened his paw to the todd, frowning deeply. "So, Daniil, why are you trying so hard to be a Guard a protect everybeast you care about even when it has become blatantly obvious that you're, frankly, quite often a liability?"

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil winced, each sentence landing like a blow from Caden's blade. Not even after the most intense sparring match with his lover had he looked so defeated. "Because if I don't, then..." He stopped, blinking away tears. "I used to tell myself that it was so I could save my family the next time they were attacked, but you're right. I'm a liability; I always have been. If there'd been a competent beast in my family's guard in my place, the attempts on their lives would have been foiled far quicker. I was indulging myself and endangering them by forcing myself into that role."

He took a deep breath before admitting, "The truth is, I did it because I idolized my mother. I wanted to be like her, even though I knew I wasn't. But more than that, I... I wanted her life and death to mean something. I wanted to carry her blade and honor her by doing in her name all the things she never got a chance to do." He looked down at his paws, clasped in his lap, before admitting, "I didn't want to admit the truth. There was no reason in why she died. It simply happened, like all tragedies do. I've spent my whole life dedicated to her memory, and not living my own life. The hard truth is she died that day, not me; I simply stopped living."

 

[Caden S. Freemont]

It was Caden's turn to wince. He was glad for a moment for his wounds, as he could pass off the expression of deep discomfort as a reaction to the pain rather than Daniil's words. Thinking of his own guilt and shame, the secrets he kept from his partner, was enough to cut through his anger and leave him feeling wrung out. He reached forward to place his paw on Daniil's, trying to catch the todd's gaze.

"Wouldn't she have wanted you to live? She didn't adopt you and call you her own son so she could have somebeast to worship her. That's not the role of a parent." He took a shaking breath and kept his eyes level on the fox, perhaps going too still as he lied. "I didn't know her, but from the accounts of your family, she was the sort who would have wanted her children to live their own lives and do what made them happy. I think, Daniil, it would honor her more to live than to constantly try to be somebeast you're not on the basis of some misguided conception you have of what you ought to do."

 

[Daniil Ryalor]

Daniil winced as Caden cut to the heart of the matter. "You're right," he admitted. "My mother was an amazing femme, smart and accomplished, but... But she never tried to make any of us follow her in that. I don't remember her as the warrior or diplomat; I remember her reading bedtime stories to us and smiling as she made us buttered noodles. She'd braid Mileya's headfur and carry me on her shoulders when I got too tired to walk." His eyes rimmed with tears as he recalled the memories he'd boxed away for so long. "She wouldn't have cared if I never picked up a sword. She'd have wanted me to just be happy."

He took a deep breath, sitting up again. "I'm going to turn in my badge," he stated. "Not out of shame, but because it's not the life for me. I'm not a soldier, no matter how I try to be. As for my mother's blade, I..." He hesitated. "I don't know. I know it should go to someone who will wield it properly, but... but I can't give it up yet. It's all I have left of her."