- Influence
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SATURDAY EVENING SMELT
Feathered Fiends Are Food, Not Friends
Includes Testimonial by Imperial Scholar
An article by Shenren Kusoya
Soggus 2nd, 1765
[Article dedicated to the memory of Dr. Tavic P. Sandwich, who left our world but not our hearts, borne on the steam of an explosion that shook the Ministry of Innovation, on Soggus 1st, 1765]
Birds have been a food source for the Imperium since its very beginnings. The first emperor, Milarkus the Malcontent, leaving his ship and setting paw upon the shining new lands that would soon come to know the glories of an Imperium built upon childhood abandonment issues, a good swordpaw, strong grog and squelchy fishsticks, was recorded by historian Ubiquitous Q. Tetris to have sighted a now extinct flock of flightless birds and thus decreed: "Ho, mine crew- bring forth some wings! No more will I eat herring!"
A fine beginning to a mighty nation.
Dr. Tavic P. Sandwich, a respected stoat of science and a member of the Ministry of Innovation, had some eye-opening words on the subject of why our plumed neighbors taste so stinkin' good, buttered, boiled, roasted or fried:
Dr. Sandwich: Well, ye sees, 'tis wot ye say, er, biology, innit? On a, er, green-etic level, bird bodies crave consumption. Weightful 'n' yummy meats wells on their wings 'n' thighs, miam, their necks be thin 'n' gennel as twigs, eggs-septic the Owl, o'course, an' they're abserlutely coated in delectable oils 'n' fats that drip so, mm, deliciously, mm, when subjected ter fire... an' 'eck, asides fer eatin', their wings be seemin'ly designed fer th' purpose o' deliverin' 'em straight 'cross th' map t' deposit cozily in our stewpots an' on our skewers. 'Tis in mine 'umble an' scientific pinion, 'n' the eggs-seedily less 'umble 'n' far more scientific pinion o' th' University at Length, that aye, th' avian exists ter be cook'd!
Shenren Kusoya: If birds are designed by nature solely for cookery, how would you explain the role of the Missertross Gull in our society? They are, after all, birds used for mail delivery, as opposed to consumption.
Dr. Sandwich: Erm, well, mm, that's a very good question, mm. There be evidence th' vury first gulls encountered were in fact eated, but given poor taste an' meagre flesh, were discovered ter be poor-suited fer th' supper table lest in times o' great crisis. A scientific amoeba, I believe, be th' verbage we use in th' Ministry fer such things, aye. Er, a scientific hyperbole...
Shenren Kusoya: An anomaly?
Dr. Sandwich: Aye, that's it! Very, very good! Ye aren't lookin' fer a job, are ye? Our, er, fatality rate's plummeted ter, hrm... only 35% as of this calendar year.
Shenren Kusoya: Oh, I'm flattered, doctor, but can assure you I'm quite happy here. Th' newsroom's recently cut its fatalities down to only 16%.
Dr. Sandwich: Hmph! Good fer ye. Well, once th' 'umble Gull was discovered ter be o' little value culinarily, 'twas put ter work fer other porpoises. That's when some enterprisin' beast or another- I leave names ter th' 'istorians, but I'm sure th' genius was from th', er, early Innovation days- strapped th' first message ter a gull's leg, an' by chance, th' bird landed roughly some 10,000 feet from its objective. Th' Imperium's ne'er been th' same since!
Shenren Kusoya: Well, thank you for your time, Dr. Sandwich. Have a good day and good luck with your work. Don't explode!
So there you have it, folks, you've heard it here first! Birds, those flighty nuisances from the skies known for loosing droppings on passersby and screeching up a racket at all hours, are, with one scientifically proven exception, good for only one thing: a toothsome feast to delight the senses be it Tasteless Lump on Ignorance, Mourning Dove Toast (often with a side of Wet Turnip for the kits and seniors!) on the Feast of Sorrows, Battered Turkey on Beating Day, Roast Turducken on Giftsgiving, or the victuals of varying quality we consume on any given day in this fine Imperium.
Happy eating!
[This article paid for by Victuals of Varying Qualitie Foods, LLC.]
Feathered Fiends Are Food, Not Friends
Includes Testimonial by Imperial Scholar
An article by Shenren Kusoya
Soggus 2nd, 1765
[Article dedicated to the memory of Dr. Tavic P. Sandwich, who left our world but not our hearts, borne on the steam of an explosion that shook the Ministry of Innovation, on Soggus 1st, 1765]
Birds have been a food source for the Imperium since its very beginnings. The first emperor, Milarkus the Malcontent, leaving his ship and setting paw upon the shining new lands that would soon come to know the glories of an Imperium built upon childhood abandonment issues, a good swordpaw, strong grog and squelchy fishsticks, was recorded by historian Ubiquitous Q. Tetris to have sighted a now extinct flock of flightless birds and thus decreed: "Ho, mine crew- bring forth some wings! No more will I eat herring!"
A fine beginning to a mighty nation.
Dr. Tavic P. Sandwich, a respected stoat of science and a member of the Ministry of Innovation, had some eye-opening words on the subject of why our plumed neighbors taste so stinkin' good, buttered, boiled, roasted or fried:
Dr. Sandwich: Well, ye sees, 'tis wot ye say, er, biology, innit? On a, er, green-etic level, bird bodies crave consumption. Weightful 'n' yummy meats wells on their wings 'n' thighs, miam, their necks be thin 'n' gennel as twigs, eggs-septic the Owl, o'course, an' they're abserlutely coated in delectable oils 'n' fats that drip so, mm, deliciously, mm, when subjected ter fire... an' 'eck, asides fer eatin', their wings be seemin'ly designed fer th' purpose o' deliverin' 'em straight 'cross th' map t' deposit cozily in our stewpots an' on our skewers. 'Tis in mine 'umble an' scientific pinion, 'n' the eggs-seedily less 'umble 'n' far more scientific pinion o' th' University at Length, that aye, th' avian exists ter be cook'd!
Shenren Kusoya: If birds are designed by nature solely for cookery, how would you explain the role of the Missertross Gull in our society? They are, after all, birds used for mail delivery, as opposed to consumption.
Dr. Sandwich: Erm, well, mm, that's a very good question, mm. There be evidence th' vury first gulls encountered were in fact eated, but given poor taste an' meagre flesh, were discovered ter be poor-suited fer th' supper table lest in times o' great crisis. A scientific amoeba, I believe, be th' verbage we use in th' Ministry fer such things, aye. Er, a scientific hyperbole...
Shenren Kusoya: An anomaly?
Dr. Sandwich: Aye, that's it! Very, very good! Ye aren't lookin' fer a job, are ye? Our, er, fatality rate's plummeted ter, hrm... only 35% as of this calendar year.
Shenren Kusoya: Oh, I'm flattered, doctor, but can assure you I'm quite happy here. Th' newsroom's recently cut its fatalities down to only 16%.
Dr. Sandwich: Hmph! Good fer ye. Well, once th' 'umble Gull was discovered ter be o' little value culinarily, 'twas put ter work fer other porpoises. That's when some enterprisin' beast or another- I leave names ter th' 'istorians, but I'm sure th' genius was from th', er, early Innovation days- strapped th' first message ter a gull's leg, an' by chance, th' bird landed roughly some 10,000 feet from its objective. Th' Imperium's ne'er been th' same since!
Shenren Kusoya: Well, thank you for your time, Dr. Sandwich. Have a good day and good luck with your work. Don't explode!
So there you have it, folks, you've heard it here first! Birds, those flighty nuisances from the skies known for loosing droppings on passersby and screeching up a racket at all hours, are, with one scientifically proven exception, good for only one thing: a toothsome feast to delight the senses be it Tasteless Lump on Ignorance, Mourning Dove Toast (often with a side of Wet Turnip for the kits and seniors!) on the Feast of Sorrows, Battered Turkey on Beating Day, Roast Turducken on Giftsgiving, or the victuals of varying quality we consume on any given day in this fine Imperium.
Happy eating!
[This article paid for by Victuals of Varying Qualitie Foods, LLC.]
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