- Influence
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SATURDAY EVENING SMELT
FALLING DOORS OPEN DOOR ON BIG DOOR CONSPIRACY; BIG DOOR DOOR DEALER FACES DEATH'S DOOR
An article by Dora LaPorte, submitted in her deceased colleague's honor by Jekra Splash
Soggus 2nd, 1765
A recent influx, a "plague" as dubbed by critics, of newly-purchased doors falling inward and crushing their owners has shook the world of Big Door Business to its very frame.
The Ministry of Commerce was called to respond in light of the flood of complaints, threats, and rudely-written letters sent by spited consumers demanding satisfaction.
Their answer was a crack team of deputized investigators, swiftly dubbed the "Doorkickin' Five" for kicking in the door of Spattie's Pastries and Pies, knocking over a donation bin and arresting a host of seniors at the scene, one of them "Blood Feud" Patty Cullins, the mother of arresting Commerce deputy "Iron Fist" Batty Cullins.
After much interrogation and a threat by "Blood Feud" Patty to "remind ye why they call me 'Blood Feud', ye stinkin' brat", the seniors were found to be "innocent of selling doors" and released.
Some hours later, the investigation continued, and the "Doorkickin' Five" kicked in the door of Spattie's neighbor and Commerce's intended target, "Big Door" businessrat "Rusty Hinge" Robb Dorian, co-owner of Dorian Doors, Doorways, and Moore, one of the five companies in the so-called "Big Door Five" that stand at the center of this skull-smashing, face-flattening, entryway-related controversy.
"Rusty Hinge" Robb was placed in cuffs, and marched out to a howling mob of his company's victims, who swiftly proceeded to abduct him from Commerce custody and subject him to repeated blows over the head with the so-called "Death's Door", a huge red door purchased from his company that crushed a whole family of mice, fifty in all, the night of Smarch 30th, 1765.
Rusty Hinge's broken form was recovered an hour later, but by then, it was already too late.
Colfax C. Cucumber, one Fogey ferret on the scene, describes in a hoarse whisper, his countenance pale and a quivering paw over his mouth, thusly what he saw upon dragging the Bully Harbor businessrat from the grasping paws and snarling teeth of his customers:
Officer Cucumber: 'E was... totally flat... like a... furry pancake, all 'is features... strangely door-like... l-limbs compressed int'... <shudders> 'orrible 'inge shapes... a faintly rusty, woody smell to 'im 'bove th'... stench o' blood. Oohh, fates! <heurk>.
The "corpse" was later discovered to be the "Death's Door" in question, smeared with Dorian's blood and fur; the businessrat's limp body was found disposed in an Imperial Trash Recepticle a few feet away, his ruined form judged to be very much "ratty" and "un-door-like" by a passing medical professional who happened on the scene.
In light of the death of her business associate, Marla E. Hatton of Doors That Kill Your Family, LLC., another member of the "Big Door Five" at the heart of this issue, has released this statement:
Marla Hatton: I personally don't see what my company has to do with this issue. We've always been very explicit in our intentions, which is to link our loose and unreliable doors to buyers interested in eliminating their bloodline or polishing off their found family. If you want some unsavory businessbeasts to flatten, I would suggest instead going after my colleagues, Mina M. Moore of Dorian Doors, Doorways and Moore; Sean S. Connaway of Real Tall Doors That Are Safe Exports, Inc; Bragan J. Typhoon of Doors To Trust, LLC.; and Ripclaw Tornclaw of Wow! Doors!, the Branch of Thatsalottawords Co. That Sells Doors That Don't Fall Inward, a Bouillabaisse Harbor Family Company.
Happy hunting for my slimy colleagues, and please keep us in mind when you are explicitly looking for faulty doors to crush your loved ones- or not so loved ones- with. Cheers!
Zeewow! There sure isn't a slow day in the Imperium, is there?
Given the failure of the "Doorkickin' Five" in keeping Robb Dorian in their custody, the Ministry of Commerce called off their agents, stripped them of their badges, and returned them to the mailroom where they found them.
Some hours later, all five of them were dead, crushed "totally, irreparably flat as if a very large door fell atop them."
Mysteriously, the mailroom had no door, the department having used it to float upon in the harbor during the annual Ides of Smarch celebrations.
Clasped in "Iron Fist" Batty Cullins' legendarily iron grip was a single doornail and a slip of parchment, which, when finally rescued from his infamously iron grip, read a chilling message:
"Do not open doors you cannot close."
No doubt a warning many of the "Big Door Five"'s customers should take to heart, given the danger in using their doors.
Ministry of Commerce investigations on the door companies have thus stalled, and it is uncertain if they will continue.
One citizen, however, who has elected to remain anonymous to "retain the element of surprise", voices what is no doubt on many of the legendarily violent and inventive minds of the Imperium's citizenry:
Anonymous Citizen: Commerce might drop th' investigation, but that don't mean them death-dealin', doormakin' scum are safe. Me nan got crushed by a fallin' door, same door I lost me foot under. Severed completely at th' knee. Th' door still sits in th' sittin' room. Couldn't move it, too heavy. It mocks me. Reminds me. Can't rest. I carved me new leg from its frame. Took me nan's cutlass from 'er outstretched paw. She was gonner cut me wid it fer ruinin' 'er pasta. Boiled it a lil' too much, got it all spongy. Now I use it t' carve me nan's weight in blood from th' flesh o' those 'o built th' door that slayed 'er. Best ye watch out, door-dealers. Me an' a whole lotta others. We're comin' fer ye."
How fun! Maybe we'll see a whole new holiday come from these community-building events.
Stay frosty, Bully Harbor.
Dora LaPorte ou-
[Next article]
SMELT JOURNALIST DEAD; DOOR TO BLAME
Soggus 2nd, 1765
An article by Jekra Splash
Smelt Journalist Dora LaPorte, 27, found crushed under door purchased from Real Tall Doors That Are Safe Exports, Inc.
No foul play suspected, likely that a cool ocean breeze knocked the door inward and upon LaPorte as she was finishing an article, Fogey investigators found.
Funeral to be held at Marmot Meadows, Bully Harbor's First Entirely Doorless Cemetery.
The LaPorte family asks that you remove the door from your home for the safety of your loved ones and in honor of Dora.
[Next article]
BOUILLABAISSE HARBOR CRIME WAVE AS HOUSEHOLDS BEREFT OF DOORS; FOGEYS OVERWHELMED
FALLING DOORS OPEN DOOR ON BIG DOOR CONSPIRACY; BIG DOOR DOOR DEALER FACES DEATH'S DOOR
An article by Dora LaPorte, submitted in her deceased colleague's honor by Jekra Splash
Soggus 2nd, 1765
A recent influx, a "plague" as dubbed by critics, of newly-purchased doors falling inward and crushing their owners has shook the world of Big Door Business to its very frame.
The Ministry of Commerce was called to respond in light of the flood of complaints, threats, and rudely-written letters sent by spited consumers demanding satisfaction.
Their answer was a crack team of deputized investigators, swiftly dubbed the "Doorkickin' Five" for kicking in the door of Spattie's Pastries and Pies, knocking over a donation bin and arresting a host of seniors at the scene, one of them "Blood Feud" Patty Cullins, the mother of arresting Commerce deputy "Iron Fist" Batty Cullins.
After much interrogation and a threat by "Blood Feud" Patty to "remind ye why they call me 'Blood Feud', ye stinkin' brat", the seniors were found to be "innocent of selling doors" and released.
Some hours later, the investigation continued, and the "Doorkickin' Five" kicked in the door of Spattie's neighbor and Commerce's intended target, "Big Door" businessrat "Rusty Hinge" Robb Dorian, co-owner of Dorian Doors, Doorways, and Moore, one of the five companies in the so-called "Big Door Five" that stand at the center of this skull-smashing, face-flattening, entryway-related controversy.
"Rusty Hinge" Robb was placed in cuffs, and marched out to a howling mob of his company's victims, who swiftly proceeded to abduct him from Commerce custody and subject him to repeated blows over the head with the so-called "Death's Door", a huge red door purchased from his company that crushed a whole family of mice, fifty in all, the night of Smarch 30th, 1765.
Rusty Hinge's broken form was recovered an hour later, but by then, it was already too late.
Colfax C. Cucumber, one Fogey ferret on the scene, describes in a hoarse whisper, his countenance pale and a quivering paw over his mouth, thusly what he saw upon dragging the Bully Harbor businessrat from the grasping paws and snarling teeth of his customers:
Officer Cucumber: 'E was... totally flat... like a... furry pancake, all 'is features... strangely door-like... l-limbs compressed int'... <shudders> 'orrible 'inge shapes... a faintly rusty, woody smell to 'im 'bove th'... stench o' blood. Oohh, fates! <heurk>.
The "corpse" was later discovered to be the "Death's Door" in question, smeared with Dorian's blood and fur; the businessrat's limp body was found disposed in an Imperial Trash Recepticle a few feet away, his ruined form judged to be very much "ratty" and "un-door-like" by a passing medical professional who happened on the scene.
In light of the death of her business associate, Marla E. Hatton of Doors That Kill Your Family, LLC., another member of the "Big Door Five" at the heart of this issue, has released this statement:
Marla Hatton: I personally don't see what my company has to do with this issue. We've always been very explicit in our intentions, which is to link our loose and unreliable doors to buyers interested in eliminating their bloodline or polishing off their found family. If you want some unsavory businessbeasts to flatten, I would suggest instead going after my colleagues, Mina M. Moore of Dorian Doors, Doorways and Moore; Sean S. Connaway of Real Tall Doors That Are Safe Exports, Inc; Bragan J. Typhoon of Doors To Trust, LLC.; and Ripclaw Tornclaw of Wow! Doors!, the Branch of Thatsalottawords Co. That Sells Doors That Don't Fall Inward, a Bouillabaisse Harbor Family Company.
Happy hunting for my slimy colleagues, and please keep us in mind when you are explicitly looking for faulty doors to crush your loved ones- or not so loved ones- with. Cheers!
Zeewow! There sure isn't a slow day in the Imperium, is there?
Given the failure of the "Doorkickin' Five" in keeping Robb Dorian in their custody, the Ministry of Commerce called off their agents, stripped them of their badges, and returned them to the mailroom where they found them.
Some hours later, all five of them were dead, crushed "totally, irreparably flat as if a very large door fell atop them."
Mysteriously, the mailroom had no door, the department having used it to float upon in the harbor during the annual Ides of Smarch celebrations.
Clasped in "Iron Fist" Batty Cullins' legendarily iron grip was a single doornail and a slip of parchment, which, when finally rescued from his infamously iron grip, read a chilling message:
"Do not open doors you cannot close."
No doubt a warning many of the "Big Door Five"'s customers should take to heart, given the danger in using their doors.
Ministry of Commerce investigations on the door companies have thus stalled, and it is uncertain if they will continue.
One citizen, however, who has elected to remain anonymous to "retain the element of surprise", voices what is no doubt on many of the legendarily violent and inventive minds of the Imperium's citizenry:
Anonymous Citizen: Commerce might drop th' investigation, but that don't mean them death-dealin', doormakin' scum are safe. Me nan got crushed by a fallin' door, same door I lost me foot under. Severed completely at th' knee. Th' door still sits in th' sittin' room. Couldn't move it, too heavy. It mocks me. Reminds me. Can't rest. I carved me new leg from its frame. Took me nan's cutlass from 'er outstretched paw. She was gonner cut me wid it fer ruinin' 'er pasta. Boiled it a lil' too much, got it all spongy. Now I use it t' carve me nan's weight in blood from th' flesh o' those 'o built th' door that slayed 'er. Best ye watch out, door-dealers. Me an' a whole lotta others. We're comin' fer ye."
How fun! Maybe we'll see a whole new holiday come from these community-building events.
Stay frosty, Bully Harbor.
Dora LaPorte ou-
[Next article]
SMELT JOURNALIST DEAD; DOOR TO BLAME
Soggus 2nd, 1765
An article by Jekra Splash
Smelt Journalist Dora LaPorte, 27, found crushed under door purchased from Real Tall Doors That Are Safe Exports, Inc.
No foul play suspected, likely that a cool ocean breeze knocked the door inward and upon LaPorte as she was finishing an article, Fogey investigators found.
Funeral to be held at Marmot Meadows, Bully Harbor's First Entirely Doorless Cemetery.
The LaPorte family asks that you remove the door from your home for the safety of your loved ones and in honor of Dora.
[Next article]
BOUILLABAISSE HARBOR CRIME WAVE AS HOUSEHOLDS BEREFT OF DOORS; FOGEYS OVERWHELMED
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